Cogito Ergo Sum

Today I went on a date with myself. It was very nice. There is so much to be said about it. If you care for small yet valuable things of life, I am sure you will enjoy this write-up even though you might find it very ordinary in the beginning.

I was confused and sad today morning for multiple reasons. I wanted to watch the movie Harry Potter and Half Blood Prince, but didn’t get anyone to go along with. That was not the primary reason for sadness. Starting from the thought (illusion) that I had made some stupid investments, I conjured up thousands of reasons to conclude that I have been acting stupid ever since I passed my tenth standard. I was telling my mum, I have never been happy after I left my home at the age of 15. Yes, there are such gloomy days like this,(the days when I say things that really don't mean anything) in my life, though they visit me very rarely.

I do not do anything consciously to avoid this gloom, because I know that the more I try to suppress the emotions, the more dominating they become. One can not be vibrant all the time. Hence I ignored the the feelings and continued to think what best I can do with my (stupid) mutual fund investments. There were a lot of mundane jobs to complete and I was on leave today. I left home at 1pm, after lunch.

Visited IISc for some work in SBI. I do not become nostalgic, since I never really “left” the institute. It was a nice experience to be there for a while. Then I went to SBI, Malleshwaram to change my stupid investments into profitable ones and came to know that it was not all that stupid. In fact, it was not at all stupid, though it seemed so due to market conditions. That elevated my mood a bit.

Then I went to ICICI bank, MG Road regarding some queries on my demat account as I resumed my stock trading after a gap of one year. Reached Garuda Mall at 2:30pm. The plan was to watch H.P. movie in INOX. I am scared of escalators. Everytime I encounter one, I challenge myself and use it. Nowadays I do not need help. I went all the way up to the 4^th floor via escalator. But the show had got canceled. Surprisingly, that did not make me feel unlucky. It was a long time since I roamed around like a free bird talking to myself and hence thought of utilizing the time generally freaking around.

Entered Barista. Had hot coffee with chocolate and cream. Visited Crossword bookshop. Started reading “Osho Fragrance”. Long ago I had stopped reading any of these “spiritually philosophical” books. But some unknown force compelled me to read it. I just could not stop reading it. Went on and on until the clock struck 5pm. I had completed half the book. Bought it. As I was reading, I felt lucky. If show was not canceled, I would have not read this wonderful book today and perhaps never in my life?!

I left the place finally at 6pm, after browsing a few more books. Treated myself with ice-cream at Baskin Robbins. Left for SP Road, near K.R. Market.

Here comes the interesting part. It has this background. I own a computer which can be called an antique piece. I love it. It is (literally) fair and lovely. To me, it is one of the symbols of my mum’s love. It is not just a material. It has certain values attached. We bought it in Y2K, at that time its cost was 45K, even though it was an assembled one. 500MHz P3 processor with intel 810 series motherboard, and you will not believe it- 64MB RAM and 10GB hard disk!! One could not run 2 applications simultaneously, but still I was using it. It carries cherished memories. Memories of those moments: the awe with which everyone at home, especially my young cousins and grandma looked at it, enthusiasm with which my mum learnt how to shut it down and later on how to use it and now, finally after all these years, how to browse the internet. Some people laughed at my system, without caring for my sentiments, which really made me think, “What is their problem? Who are they to dictate me what I should do?”

I had lost my father a week before I was born. My mother meant everything to me and, I for her. When I was in sixth standard, I wanted a bicycle and she did not buy one. That had hurt me a lot and she had sensed it. She did not want to hurt my feelings again, when I wanted a system. With a part of whatever small amount that came as my father’s share from our family, she bought that system for me when I was in B.E. It was a big risk spending so much money at that time. It is difficult to empathize, unless you have been through a similar situation. Someone said in a workshop recently conducted in RVCE, “In order to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you need to first remove yours.” We are all biased, we can not really see someone’s life from eyes other than ours. If you are the one who grew up in a family where your parents were in a position to fulfill your needs even before you asked, then with 90% probability, you will not be able to visualize situations such as this.

I knew very well what kind of a system I can get these days with just less than 10K. I also knew that, if I bought new components, I would throw the old ones. I did not really need high performance for the kind of tasks I did: Preparing course material, Browsing internet, Blogging, Watching movies, Playing songs and so on. I hate computer games. I did a system scan with the software available on this site. It reported that my system has 2 SDRAM slots, and 256MB RAM compatibility! After that, one fine day I had been to SP Road to inquire about the price and come to know that cost of one chip was just Rs. 300.

Getting back to the date with myself: from Garuda Mall I went to SP Road to purchase 2 SDRAM chips and transcend portable hard disk. Spent Rs.5,770 totally. Just 5170 Rs for 500GB disk, with 2 years warranty, isn’t that cool, when a moserbaer DVD costs 15 bucks and a CD 10 bucks?

Returned home, fixed the chips and started the system. The system responded amazingly fast. (It has windows 2000 OS.) The new hard disk was also getting accessed very fast. You believe it or not, it works faster than a dual core processor with 2GB RAM and windows Vista OS. All that I have done is the replacement of one component; and I can use it for years now on.

When we live for ourselves, love what we are blessed with, and are blessed with love for the self and the nature (includes all living and non-living objects), the life gets filled with happiness and satisfaction.

# posted by Aparna @ 11:59 PM 10 Comments