Cogito Ergo Sum

It's been more than 2 yrs now since I started with Veena lessons, and I've been regularly practising. Everyday I practise with lot of hope. Every class I try for playing it to my Sir's satisfaction. Ofcourse, it is not enough if I play to my satisfaction. At my level whatever I play sounds good to me, but that's not all. Every week, every class, I've been hearing only "this is not fine, that is not fine" types remarks, till now. {Don't get me wrong, my teacher is a nice person. He has been very kind, but also been very demanding.} Since last few months I’ve been feeling that how much hard I try, I'm nowhere near excellence. My worst fears were coming true, I'm going to be an additional mediocre on this earth! and how I despise mediocrity!! I was just starting to hate myself for it. Not only myself, I was literally hating every good Vainikas (Emani, Chittibaabu,Balachander) for setting such high standards. I was developing a bad attitude. I was sometimes inclined to think that my Sir was simply being harsh with me and all….More in a minute on why such thoughts come….

This is how a typical practise goes..

Morning I practise, I sing my lesson vocally once. Sing it again, record and play it back. When I listen, I get the painful realization that my Sir has been very honest with me with his comments on my rhythm. Every period of a Taala is either shorter or longer by quarter to half a beat. I do it again, this time it is slightly better, but still this is not what my Sir would give an OK for. Sigh! I take a 2 minute break, sing it again, record again-this time not the full song-just a line and it fits within the Taala. Great! I do it for the full stanza, play the record back; no use. Towards the end it is faster, there is exhaustion in my voice and Taala runs as if it has to catch a train. Sigh again. Go to Mom, crib for sometime, come back practise, practise, practise, until I get tired, and this(getting tired) has been happening very soon offlate.

Then I pick my Veena, connect it to the amp, tune it to the frequency matching to the Radel Tambura(pitch : 2.5, i.e. D#) and start playing. I practise Gamakas of the raaga. It doesn’t sound too bad. The voice of my Veena is very soothing, definitely not like the sound that comes when you hit a metal (as my Mom often puts it for harsh Veena sounds those come on TV). That mild, beautiful sound of Veena fills my heart with immense joy and peace. I forget everything, even the Taala. I get immersed in the melody of it. I try a Gamaka within the lesson, try to master it and I feel I’ve done my best for the day. I get confidence that in the next class Sir won’t be unhappy at the melody part of it. I record a stanza of Swarajathi and listen to it. As usual Taala is bad, but melody is OK. I know where I have to improve in rhythm, though do not know how to improve it. I feel quite good about the melody part, keep wondering what else can be done to improve it until it improves further with time and more knowledge. I feel pretty satisfied that currently that is the best I could do. But that satisfaction doesn’t have enough conviction, because it is my judgement, my Sir never said so. My Sir never once said I was playing well.

My Sir often says his way of teaching and his style of music is different from what is normally found nowadays, which is quite true. He plays almost similar to Dr.Chittibaabu. His Veena talks to you, believe me. You feel as if Veena is alive if you listen to it when his fingers are dancing on its body. Such gamakas, such swara patterns! I know people will be very skeptical to hear this, but believe me-my opinion on my Sir’s music. I’ve listened to many classical music concerts, many recordings, read quite a bit about music and I can confidently say I am capable of differentiating between various quality music. I think my Sir is the best Vainika alive today, out of those whom I have heard, though I don’t discount the possibility of another “Ele Mareya Kaayi” (meaning, “a nut behind the leaves”) somewhere in a corner of Bangalore or anywhere else.

You know, he is really great and that is the first reason why I set my targets high, because I see a possibility of achieving it. I keep measuring my progress once in a while. From the last one year the type of the comments that I get from him had not changed and this was making me depressed. My friends/colleagues keep visiting me, I play for them, they say some nice words, but this is in no way a measure of my progress as I define ‘progress’. I wanted to know what he really thinks about my progress. Often I’ve asked him, “Sir, am I better now than how I was 6 months ago?” to which he always replies, “Don’t ask me that. I won’t answer”. I was getting restless and uncomfortable. I was feeling, this was becoming quite stagnant. I learn one or two Jathiswara (now Swarajathi actually) per month and every one of them I screw up! It was going nowhere, I thought.

Today, after the class, I continued talking to him, I put the question in a different way. “Sir, it has been more than 2 years since I started. Where do you think I stand? I need to know my level, I can’t be generally aiming very high if I’m not really capable of achieving it. So, please tell me.” This, he seemed to understand. He said, “There is a difference between how you play and how others play”, to which I asked, “Do you mean others learning from other teachers or”, he said, “No, I mean among my students. You play quite differently from the rest, but you need to improve on Taalas. Keep focusing, if you practise everyday with a will to straighten it out, it will come with time. Do not count your knowledge by number of years you’ve learnt it for. Stop counting 2 –3 years etc right now. Your mind is sharp, use it. I teach you every trick that I know as long as I’m alive, rest is left to you.” Yeah, he used to often say in other contexts, “I teach everyone how much they can take. More they learn, more do I demand”

I was overwhelmed to hear these, naturally!
For the first time in my life I get a compliment from my music teacher whom I revere, though it is upon asking, in a way. Do I want to hear it again? No, I get an assurance which is enough for a lifetime. Will I ever doubt my capability again? Hell, No!!!

I simply worried myself all these days, without even trying to know the reality. My Sir has been good to me. He even prepared coffee for me once. He keeps saying lot of kind words in general after the class; he has even said I mean no less than his daughter for him. I never realized the reason for the warmth he used to bestow upon me; was always thinking, it was because he's 75 yrs old and he lives alone, he is fond of me for visiting him twice a week, thus keeping him busy. I never really have had the chance to know whether I was treated differently from his other students, because there is only 1 more student apart from me who comes to his house, that too on different days (rest of the students-he visits their house).

I’m extremely inspired, relieved and relaxed. My motivation to pursue music has come back.